Even though I've been shouting, "I want to start this chemo!' I'm actually feeling more jittery tonight, before chemo, than I was the night before surgery.  Surgery was all about getting that tumor out of me! Yay!   But there are so many more unknowns with chemo. 

I talked with both my kids who wanted to know how I was feeling about all this. Yesterday, I talked to Heidi about the hair loss and wondering about having no eyebrows or lashes... blah, blah, blah. But she was upbeat about buying good make up for a change. She could even come help me have some fun with it.

I talked to my son, Scott last night.  First we talked about lots of stuff in his hectic life in DC right now, but then he got thoughtful about my day tomorrow. I said I felt positive, but a little stressed about the unknowns. What will MY symptoms be? Bone pain, nausea... ? Scott reminded me about how he used to be the night before first days of school and how I had to remind him that those jitters were normal.  "It's all that wondering that makes you anxious." I would remind him.  Once you're there in school or even the new job, you finally get to find out what it's all about... good and bad.  And it's a huge relief.  

So Scott had to remind me that I was like he was, before starting school or jobs. And soon I would find out and I would feel that relief of just knowing!  And probably much of the stuff that is worrying my won't even happen!  I love having kids who can teach and support me!

Then I had to tell Scott, "Oh I am taking my tiny wooden donkey tomorrow!" It's my silly mascot for helping me "kick cancer's butt".  He laughed and answered. "Just like my sabertooth tiger!" Scott was only 2 when he had thumb surgery and we couldn't find his favorite plastic toy to take along for comfort. Grandma had to buy him a new one, in St.Louis... since you can't just find one anywhere.  Then she raced to Tulsa to get it to him before surgery.  

I need to find a picture of that boy and his sabertooth!

I've been trying to eat well since my diagnosis. Flaxseed and blueberries!  There are endless foods that really can help me prevent recurrence!  But now that I know I start chemo in 2 days, I'm scared about what I will be able to eat and what I'll want to eat and if I'll even be able to keep anything down. I've been told by some caring friends, to eat what I want, right now!

So yesterday, Don and I went to one of our favorites places,  Mori Ichi.
​I  heard sushi's not a good idea during chemo. I will miss this for 12 weeks, if that's true! ​

Being limited about foods and activities reminds me of being pregnant.  But I didn't mind giving up coffee and wine for my babies.
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​So I have years ahead of good eating.  And I have 2 days before chemo.  So I've made sure to squeeze in a few things that I'm not so sure about later... like Mexican food!

Cheryl Distraction
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​Sweet Cheryl met me for lunch.  She was patient waiting for me, since I went to the wrong local Mexican restaurant... which also starts with "L".  (I told her it must have been my pre-chemo brain)  We even had margaritas, which is exciting since I've tried to stick with red wine, lately.

We talked about lots of things, including our moms. Cheryl and I met when our moms were roommates 8 years ago. Our mother's had Alzheimer's but they were fun and feisty and decorated their room with an Obama poster. Cheers to our moms!

Tiki Distraction
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​And last night Don and I had a little tiki-time beside the pool.  Again, this may not be the healthiest choice, but mine had lots of juice! Cheers again!

This one was for my mental health! 

In two days I'll focus again on healthy eating, drinking and exercise, at least when I can!  I won't have the motivation of doing it for "the baby", though.  Then again, I can do it for me... and my grown babies!  ​
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Decisions

It's good that I have choices.  Nobody is making me do anything.  I don't have to do chemo, even.  I can decide.  But sometimes I want to have someone just tell me what to do from start to finish.  Even before starting treatment, I'm feeling wishy washy about decisions of any kind. Do I want to take the drug Nuelasta when I've heard about bone pain?  

Do I want to wear sweatpants or something nicer to my first chemo?  And I then I'm going to have those decisions about what to wear on my head!
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​I did purchase a wig, because I'm a wimp about my baldness, but I actually own about a zillion hats! I could wear a different one every day after I lose my hair! Maybe I should think about that.
​I do have a lot of tennis hats I could wear.  This is a cap I tried on in the Cure & Co. salon, on top of a half wig. That hair looks a lot like my own.

Then we have the scarf option!  And I remembered how Don and I wore matching scarves at Big Bend National Park to keep the swarming bugs off our heads.  Hey, we can be twins, again. Don could either buy a wig with me, or we could get matching scarves.   

​And here's one more idea!
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​ My dear friend, Lorie shared some advice about worrying over no hair.  "Just get some sexy earrings!"  I was so tickled with the idea that had come from a person, very special to her.  And next thing I knew, her own creation came in the mail.  

I've never been gracious about accepting compliments.  But I'm better about avoiding this kind of response,  "Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years. I bought it at Target."   But what do you say when the nurse says you have beautiful veins? That means I have hideous, prominent veins, which are good for needles.  That is not a pretty thing, but it's a good thing, because it also means I don't have to get a port in place for chemo.  Yay! for my veins.  

Right after getting that fine compliment I checked with Michelle at the desk about my next appointment.   She looked up at me and smiled, "Girl, you have beautiful eyes!"  I grinned back. "Oh thanks! I was just told I have beautiful veins, too!"  Which I guess shows I haven't come too far in graciously accepting compliments.  But Michelle got it and moved on to schedule me... calling me Elizabeth.  I told her, "You can call me Beth."  (If I'm going to be coming regularly, they might as well call me by my preferred name.)  "Oh?"  She seemed surprised.  "Paige calls me Beth!"  I laughed over to Paige who was on the phone nearby.  Paige picked up on my preferred name a week ago when she got my voice mail.  "Really!"  Michelle teased "Well, here you go Sweetie... I mean Beth."  "Sweetie Beth works, too!" I laughed. Michelle and Paige both crack me up and I'm going to like seeing them when I come.

But I'm going to have to learn how to handle future compliments that might be forced.  "Oh, you don't look bad at all!"   Hmmm.  We'll see.
 

Well, I'm finally feeling pretty normal, 5 weeks post surgery!  I'm able to swim laps and it feels good! It took so much longer than expected and I suddenly want to plant flowers and clean closets.  I'm home after all.

But I'm still waiting to hear what day I start chemo.  I've called the oncologist's office repeatedly to hound them.  "You haven't gotten the okay from my insurance, yet?" I've slipped through the cracks before.  I feel like my file gets buried because I'm sort of low priority, compared to many. But I'm eager to know the plan and get moving.  I study the calendar and see my treatments edging closer to the holidays. I thought I would be done by then.  "I just want to do this chemo!" I half laughed to the nurse on the phone.  

Then I realized this is my good window. I'm feeling pretty healed.  My brain is alert. (what is chemo brain anyway?) I have energy and hair.  I may not know which day I start up with this drama,  but I need to enjoy this healthy, post surgery time and stop fretting over WHEN I start. I need to get out now and make use!

Clueless

When it comes to fashion I'm pretty clueless. I don't like making decisions at clothing stores or in my closet.  So how would I handle buying a wig?  Especially since it could be an emotional thing. But Lorrie and Shari were determined to make this fun. (Plus they have much better fashion sense!) We arrived at a salon called Care & Co.  The mother/daughter owners are cancer survivors and offer much more than wigs.  Best of all, there were no bars on the windows!  Do you have any idea how many wig shops look like pawn shops? 

​The photo isn't too bad, but the head-on vision in the mirror was a jolt. I was looking at some unknown lady in a wig. It wasn't me.
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Snazzy

But Francesca worked with me like a pro.  Her sister Sasha couldn't keep herself from intruding, with great advice and tips and opinions. I craved all the attention and suggestions and I filled my brain with info for 2 hours.  Some was wig info, but a lot was just talk, about cancer.  This could have been overwhelming, but hearing this stuff from an upbeat cancer survivor was refreshing. 

We started to have fun.  I tried on styles that weren't me at all, but why not?  I had names for most wigs.  Well, actually I didn't have a name for this one, but I felt like a Sassy Soccer Mom. And how about that silly poof in the rear!  Actually, I learned that there are so many options for thinning and cutting and layering all these styles, later.  What you see, does not have to mean what you get.

I was pretty sure this cut made me look like Jane Fonda in her 1980's work out video.  I needed a headband.  But after a study in the mirror, I think it was Jane Pauley, on one of her news shows.  Both are beautiful women... but not me.

Outside Light

We took wigs outside with the mirror and studied the lighting. And I chuckled over this one with the flip, that made me feel like David Cassidy in The Partridge Family.

​Shari thought it was more Florence Henderson, who played Mrs. Brady with that Bunch of kids! ​

​We laughed and carried on, but we really were absorbing and debating and learning. These were not silly costume wigs and I was making an important decision.  But I had to find some humor along the way, or I would have been miserable.

I made Shari and Lorrie try on hats, to join me in a photo op.  I kind of liked the green "flapper cap" as I called it.  There's actually a half wig underneath.  Who would have known you could get a half wig?  The cap-less photo shows a similar wig to the one I'm ordering.  I had to laugh when I saw the photo, because I'm wearing a wig, with some bangs in my face.  That is so me!  There are so many photos of me from childhood days, with hair in my face.

So the big reveal will be later.  I have ordered one that combines these looks.  I might need those eyelashes, too!  The main thing is, I am greatly relieved to have this outing behind me. L & S made this serious job, fun.  We learned lots and laughed hard.  But when those 2 handed over a very festive, "chemo survival kit" that they had purchased behind my back, I was caught by surprise.  Lorrie had to go fetch me some Kleenex from the bathroom to dab my eyes.  Then we 3 were sort of laughing and tearing up together, so I grabbed my wad of tissue to share... "What? You brought me toilet paper!"  I laughed as I tore off sections for my friends. 

We kids teased my mom horribly in 1969, when she returned from a shopping trip with a wig.  I hope my kids are nicer when they see me in one!

Yesterday, my friends Lorrie and Shari encouraged me to go on a wig outing.  I didn't even have my first chemo appointment set.  And it was just a week ago, that my head was spinning to learn I was indeed going to need chemo.  But they were right, it was the time.

Oddly enough, that same morning, my friend Kim texted me from Oklahoma. She'd heard about a salon in my area and encouraged me to go. "It's owned by a mother/daughter team... both cancer survivors!"  It happened to be the place where I had the appointment. And then, Martha from Denver messaged me with some totally crazy wig photos, which put me in a fun goofy mood. And my sister, Jennifer phoned days earlier, saying she'd hop on a plane to be with me when it came to head shaving time.  I felt surrounded by support before heading out the door.

I don't have the greatest hair in the world, but I still dread losing it.  I haven't even started chemo, but I'm planning a wig shopping spree with friends.  Today when I tediously blew my hair dry, I noticed my gray roots and thought, "Yay, I'll be losing you. And I won't have to pay for salon appointments for a long time. And I won't have to shampoo and dry and mess with this hair."

I'm not brave enough to go bald.  A wig seems silly, but I'll look into it.  And if I don't like what I find, I'll go to Party City and buy 30 Halloween wigs. Or I'll wear the pink swim cap I bought for a joke 2 years ago.  

There are some good ones, like my Book Club. But mostly I'm not a club joiner.  I'd rather not be a part of a big group with rules and expectations.  Well, as I stated in the last post I am joining a group that I didn't choose to join.  The date that I officially join the Chemo Club is not set yet. (Waiting for insurance to clear) But it will be a big group.  And there will be lots of rules.

My reaction to the news that I would need chemo wasn't unusual.  I felt a wave of worry and a lump in my throat.  My earlier pathology had gotten my hopes up and I hadn't allowed myself to really fret over the possibility.  I kept calm while the doctor and assistants were in the room. I asked questions and felt in charge. But when Don and I drove home I allowed a little of my gloom to fill the car.  I knew I had already joined the Cancer Club, but I was becoming a higher ranking member. Now I have to be one of those people who decides whether to wear a wig or a hat. I'll be one of those people who has to revolve their life around treatments.... finding foods they can tolerate... dealing with life, despite having all the energy zapped out of them.  

But the day I learned the news, a very tiny part of me thought, "Okay, now I am in the real Club. I'm getting the whole experience."  I thought of friends who have already dealt with chemo and I felt bonded to them.  I knew I would get support from them and be able to offer it to others later.

And I laughed later, with my son on the phone. "Skipping chemo is like having a baby without labor pains."  He actually got my silly comparison.  I told him how I reacted nearly 30 years ago, when my doctor told me I needed to schedule a C-section, because labor could be a problem with my pregnancy. I was devastated. "How can I be a part of this birth experience without having a single labor pain?" So in a funny way, I'm ready to take on this whole experience.  I didn't get to join the Labor & Birth Club, but I will be a part of the C+C Club.
Cancer Plus Chemo equals... seeing grandkids someday?

I'm like most, since I don't like tests. Sometimes you can opt out of them, like I did in high school Humanities.  Reciting poems and performing scenes got me out of a few quizzes, at least.  But I haven't been able to avoid all the tests that have been needed with this cancer stuff.  Waiting for results is like waiting for a test that I never got to study for. 

I wasn't a bad student, but I was always anxious when the teacher passed out graded tests.  I loved the feeling of relief when I saw a good grade and knew my worry had been for nothing.  I've relived that "whew!" feeling a couple times in the past 2 months.  When the biopsy results told me my cancer was Estrogen positive, my doctor/teacher explained how that was a good thing. After surgery I was given more grades/results and I felt a wave of relief to learn, my lymph nodes passed the test and my margins were clear!  And then after a few more weeks there were pathology scores that made me feel like a winner again.  "Your tumor wasn't actually 2.2 cm, it was 1.7!  You are stage 1 not stage 2."  I nailed it! Maybe it was my 2 weeks of healthy eating before surgery!

And then Don and I sat down with the oncologist on Friday and he went over the scores from the Oncotype DX test.  I was hoping to hear that I had once again been a good student/patient and I could skip chemo.  But my score of 28 put me in an iffy area.  Plus, some other scores had shifted.  Most significantly, my clear lymph nodes.  One was not exactly clean.  Oops.  I bragged that I was stage 1 and now I'm really 2A or something.  I hate scores and numbers and tests. 

But I'm joining the Chemo-Club.  And there are some very good people in that club.