I love to read, but my attention span is a mess. I read pages before noticing I haven't comprehended one word. In the first "week of worry" the fabulous friends in my Book Club gave me a goody basket which included magazines. Even my bookie friends knew I was better off flipping through colorful pages than absorbing real words. And then some helpful books were offered, that I knew I should read...about diet and health and important things that could actually help me heal. But I wanted to watch Turner Classic Movies and read cozy, effortless books. But as time passed, I was less scared by the book with the title "How Not to Die" and I didn't roll my eyes as "Peace, Love & Healing". I still had my Kindle books at the ready, but I was ready to open up to the subjects I had wanted to ignore. And then today, I got my treatment plan. It's been 50 days since I was diagnosed with cancer. It's been 4 weeks since I had my lumpectomy and today I finally learned that yes I will be doing chemotherapy for 12 weeks... and yes it is the kind that will make my hair fall out ... and I don't want to start reading about cancer right now. I don't want to Google the internet to find out tips about handling all of this. I really just want to color in my coloring book and chew my Chiclets gum. Thanks, Diane!
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I miss packing up my story-quilt, books and puppets and heading to the Women's Shelter. Entertaining the kids, is as fun for me, as them. But even 2 weeks after surgery, I wasn't up for doing a real program. So, I just grabbed my puppet and headed over for just a visit. When I arrived, I didn't recognize any of the kids since it had been a while. They were mostly little ones, curious and energetic and incredibly delighted to sing to the puppet. I had a doctor's appointment later and I hadn't planned on staying long. But their giggles were addicting. We sat down on the colorful floor and it seemed like sitting on the quilt, playing games and singing about all the planets and stars and colors that were printed on the carpet. When it was time to go the kids lunged at me with hugs and I was reminded why I'd held off. "Careful!" I laughed. "Ouch!" I thought. But it was worth every bump! I drove home feeling surrounded by the warmth of those kids. I kept wondering about my treatment plan, hoping it involved no chemo... which would keep me away from these kids a long time. Then my focus shifted to the small houses I passed. Many were worn, with cluttered, dirt yards and others were decorated proudly. I wondered how many of the families in these homes were dealing with cancer, while juggling jobs and daycare and financial worries. It was sobering. At one point I slowed down and grinned, when I spotted 2 children splashing in a metal tub. Grandpa watched from a chair nearby as the kids hosed each other and squealed. I just had to turn the car around. The grandpa didn't act like it was a bit odd that I stepped out of my car to tell him how delighted I was to see the kids having fun. We both laughed about our now grown kids, once playing with the hose on summer days. He admitted it was a lot more fun playing grandpa than dad. He had been too busy to enjoy watching his kids back when he was working. He smiled and added, "This wears them out good, too!" Grandpa said it was fine to take a photo. The kids obviously were happy to share their fun. I drove away feeling energized by so many sweet little faces.
This is pretty low on my frustration list, but it counts. The day I got my diagnosis, we started canceling reservations for the Colorado trip, scheduled for 3 days later There were too many worries to fret over the July Trip to D.C. And I didn't even think about the October trip planned until my surgeon said, "If you do chemo and radiation, you will be tied up for 9 months to a year." That was tough to hear. But then I started thinking about all the great trips Don and I have had in recent years. We've explored tiny, curious places and also the well known, grand ones! In fact we've traveled so much, sometimes I feel like I don't have time to digest one trip before we're off on another. "We've got to do this while we both are equally driven and both healthy!" We've reminded ourselves. So with time at home, I've suddenly found some time to enjoy those past travels! I've killed some time blogging and I've organized photos and re-lived a few trips. I love the "live in the moment" feel of traveling. But there is nothing more satisfying to me than revisiting those memories through photos! So just as I was starting to feel fine with this time "stuck at home", I learned we had 10 more days until results on my Genomic Oncotype test that determines my treatment. My doctor said no problem if I want to leave town. I can't believe it! Right now, I'm in the airport waiting with Don for our flight to D.C.! We'll have some fun distraction in a beautiful city! And we'll be with Scott and Chali (son & fiance) and her parents. Best way ever, to wait on news! Btw, this is of course not a photo of flight to D.C. It's the only plane pic I have stored in my computer! I've already complained about frustrating communication issues with doctor's offices, labs, insurance companies, etc. I would be much further in this process if there hadn't been so many archaic games of phone tag with messages slipping through cracks. It's 2016 after all. Seems we should have this communication thing down. But, I am relieved with how things are working now. My doctors communicate with each other about my care. Modern technology and communication is finally evident. But recently, I've step back in time and I'm enjoying the old fashioned world of snail mail. It's been a treat to get something besides a bill in the mail and I've had the time to write a note or two myself. The walk to the "group mailbox" around the corner is an outing for me now. So that's why I'm extra frustrated that the postal service is letting me down at the moment. After 4 days of of finding the box empty, I asked a neighbor who said she'd received no mail either. It was Saturday and I tracked down the mail truck in the next neighborhood, where the carrier was filling a box. I asked if she'd been to my box and she said she had, but she couldn't open the back door of our box to distribute mail. What? All she could offer was, "I guess they haven't gotten the door fixed yet." And then I thought of the bill payments and cards I'd put in the out-going slot for days. They weren't going anywhere.
I stomped back in the house. We have had the most ridiculous bad luck with our postal service in past years. Everyone has. Postmaster confrontations don't help, either. And then I thought, I am absolutely more in control of my cancer than I am the Postal Service. How darn cool is that. No amount of healthy eating and exercise and positive outlook will make my mail come faster. I'm going to go back to doing all I can to be healthy again! I have better things to do, than fight the USPS. In past years Don and I have put on blinders to avoid seeing all the repairs and updating chores that are needed, on our 20-year-old house. We've taken trips instead. But if I'd known I was going to be spending so much time at home, staring at that annoying crack in the paint or this worn carpet, maybe I would have done something earlier... so I could enjoy this home, that I actually really do care about. But, the good thing is... you can always decorate to distract from flaws! Actually I've always loved holiday decorating. Even before kids, Don and I both had a good time making things festive. But since becoming empty-nesters, we've traveled more. And when you're not at home as much, then why bother? I've missed my silly decorating fun. So I did one wise and silly thing during those weeks I waited before surgery. I dragged out some of the fun stuff. I set up a "beach table" near the couch where I've spent a lot of time. And then I added a few July 4th goodies during that first week, while taking it easy. The paint and repairs can come later. This is all I need now!
I was warned early on by an MD Anderson "nurse navigator". She told me to get good filtering earplugs, for all the info I would receive from friends and strangers. "Don't let it frustrate you. Remember people share, because they are trying to help."
I tried to remember her advice when I sat in the waiting room, before meeting my oncologist for the first time. Don and I chatted together and felt fairly at ease. But the woman, wearing a wig across from us kept smiling over. A couple of times, her cell phone flashed and she appeared to be taking pictures me. (For her scrapbook of chemo friends?) Then she intruded with a mothering smile. "First time?" "Yes." "You'll be just fine." She insisted. Then she and her husband began telling the story of when she and the family gathered around to cut off all her hair. "It was the only time I cried." She just couldn't stop smiling. "It starts falling out after 14 days..." I remembered the nurse and I wasn't annoyed. But if it had been a touchy day, I might have had to let her know, "You're freaking me out!" But I met Dr. P and he was absolutely wonderful. He used a dry erase board to explain things. He encouraged me to take my time, when I had to hunt for my glasses to take notes. He was hopeful, that my lab scores could put me at a low recurrence rate and I might not need chemo. But he also made me feel at ease knowing if I do, he will be there along the way. The sweet woman tried to ease my worries. But the doctor did a better job. |
Not-So-Happy List
Cancer, Covid & Coronary... I started this complaining list/blog, in May 2016. I posted 200 gripes about my breast CANCER and then I was done. On March 13, 2020, I started venting all over again, when another disease (starting with a C) interfered with my life. This time it was the invasion of COVID and it affected every person. I ranted for a year, until I got my COVID vaccine in March 2021. CORONARY Artery Disease was the reason I restarted this blog on September 26, 2021. This time it was my hubby Don, who was dealing with a worry that started with the letter "C". Coronavirus and Cancer, Coronary Artery Disease! All are evil, but none can totally get me down... if I vent! I usually end up feeling a little more positive at the end of each post! Navigating This Mess! The most recent post is at the top, from coronary posts in 2022, back to cancer posts in 2016. To find past posts, look below the "Archives" section, to find "Categories". Archives
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