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Today there is nothing I can do but wait. Some appointments are set, but I still don't have all results to know what kind of cancer. I hate having no control and I also have no control of the rains and flooding in our county. The rain has flooded our storage unit where we keep our tiny Airstream trailer... but we can't get to it.  But, it only flooded 6 inches and I think our trailer is dry. So glad we didn't have boxes of memorabilia.
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I am a lover of holidays, but not Memorial Day... today. This holiday is slowing down my efforts to reach doctors and make plans.
I kept the secret for one night, but today I told the kids. They are grown, but that doesn't make it easier. I had to tell them, since we try to have a "no news is good news" rule. I also had to, for selfish reasons. Agonizing over how to tell them was making me literally sick. I worry because they will worry.
But after I told them, I was filled with such relief. They offered more warmth and love through that phone than I ever could have imagined.
The radiologist called to tell me I had breast cancer. That's an unusual way to get the news, but I had begged for results. Don and I were going on a 3-week trip and I couldn't wait for my doctor to get home from her trip to share results. My bowl of macaroni went cold as I took in the jolting news.
But, Don was at my side... ready to start making calls and figuring things out. But that came after some boo-hooing. It was scary and not fun. I wish I had been 5 and could have used an excuse to bring a teddy bear.
But, at least I did it and I took a little control. I brought socks because I already knew it was cold in there. And I told them to turn off the (stupid) radio, because I was in no mood for peppy pop tunes! I didn't like the crummy waiting room at the imaging center. I didn't like my regular mammogram, no matter how nice she was. I hated the ultrasound diagnostic one more. I had a headache by then and the stupid radio in the dimmed room was playing "Love Shack". Mostly I did not like the radiologist when he said I needed to come back for a biopsy. That is a comical sounding word for something scary.
It's been 10 days of waiting to have my diagnostic mammogram and my imagination is becoming far too active... in a negative way.   But today, seeing my kids celebrate at our dear friend's wedding, made me stop fretting about the future. All I could do was smile at the past. So many memories of my two and the Hart girls, growing up across the street from each other!
I hate knowing I'll be in the midst of a social event, when I'm fretting over all the "What ifs..."  But attending my nephew's law school graduation and gathering with family for celebrations was the best distraction ever. Perfect! I don't like having my appointment set for a mammogram and then getting a call when I'm on the road to New Orleans. "Oh we thought we took your insurance... but no..."
But, at least it's 2016 and I can make calls from the car. After 20 minutes, I had a different place lined up.... for a week later than planned. I hate going for my annual Well Woman Exam and having my nurse practitioner say, "Hmm. Have you felt this before?" Then I hate being given an order form, for a diagnostic mammogram, with the word mass, written in at the top.
But, I'm glad I went for my annual. |
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