40 - Don't Like Clubs

There are some good ones, like my Book Club. But mostly I'm not a club joiner.  I'd rather not be a part of a big group with rules and expectations.  Well, as I stated in the last post I am joining a group that I didn't choose to join.  The date that I officially join the Chemo Club is not set yet. (Waiting for insurance to clear) But it will be a big group.  And there will be lots of rules.

My reaction to the news that I would need chemo wasn't unusual.  I felt a wave of worry and a lump in my throat.  My earlier pathology had gotten my hopes up and I hadn't allowed myself to really fret over the possibility.  I kept calm while the doctor and assistants were in the room. I asked questions and felt in charge. But when Don and I drove home I allowed a little of my gloom to fill the car.  I knew I had already joined the Cancer Club, but I was becoming a higher ranking member. Now I have to be one of those people who decides whether to wear a wig or a hat. I'll be one of those people who has to revolve their life around treatments.... finding foods they can tolerate... dealing with life, despite having all the energy zapped out of them.  

But the day I learned the news, a very tiny part of me thought, "Okay, now I am in the real Club. I'm getting the whole experience."  I thought of friends who have already dealt with chemo and I felt bonded to them.  I knew I would get support from them and be able to offer it to others later.

And I laughed later, with my son on the phone. "Skipping chemo is like having a baby without labor pains."  He actually got my silly comparison.  I told him how I reacted nearly 30 years ago, when my doctor told me I needed to schedule a C-section, because labor could be a problem with my pregnancy. I was devastated. "How can I be a part of this birth experience without having a single labor pain?" So in a funny way, I'm ready to take on this whole experience.  I didn't get to join the Labor & Birth Club, but I will be a part of the C+C Club.
Cancer Plus Chemo equals... seeing grandkids someday?