We thought we'd avoid all the snarling 5 pm traffic, by picking my sister up at the airport on a Saturday! No such luck. The Beltway was down to 1 lane for construction and a major fender-bender caused a huge slowdown as we're neared Bush International. But a funny thing is, I've grown calmer about driving issues with these months of cancer. Just so I get there and I don't get in an accident, who cares. We just allow enough time.
I wasn't quite the same way last week when the kids were at home and we headed out to lunch. Don was avoiding Highway 6 traffic and took us on a quieter route by the library and post office. There wasn't another car on the road, when a sluggish sedan pulled out from a church lot right in front of us and drove 20 in a 35, I was found myself annoyed. "Dad, why didn't you honk." one of the kids questioned. "Mom doesn't like me to honk." He laughed. It's true, I hate to honk when I don't know the story. A sad person, lost in thought or an anxious elder... But this time I groaned with the others. The car was plastered with rude bumper stickers supporting a candidate who scares me. And lots of angry, gun support stickers as well. "Pull up beside this car!" I asked Don, when we turned onto Highway 6. I have to see who this is. It was a middle-aged man, texting away, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "That's ridiculous!" I was ready for my road rage. "Pull up next to him at the light. I'm going to roll down my window, get his attention, smile and remove my wig." The kids laughed in the back and then begged me not to. I guess I really didn't want to mortify my kids. But I did want to confuse that man. I like to ease my stress by confusing bad people. I'm not sure what that says about me.
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Dress-Up Yes, I know this wig is okay, but I still feel like I'm playing dress-up. I've had it thinned, but I'm finding ways to tame it some more, like with a scarf. This is so silly, like I'm trying to make it flat and limp like my old hair. While I was cleaning out my workroom, I found my old church veil in the costume box. It had the perfect weight for pressing down the poof, but I don't think wearing the wig and veil out in public will solve my self-conscious concerns. Holy Veil Oh, but it was fun being reminded of when I bought the veil in Venice at the age of 11. After years of wearing boring scarves to weekly mass, I looked forward to being one of the elegant, lace-wearing women at church. I couldn't wait to return to the Tallahassee and wear my veil. Of course by the time we returned home in 1969, the Catholic church no longer required women to cover their heads. I still loved my lace, though. Practice! My first real outing in the wig was when Heidi and I went dress shopping with Chali. It was a special day, watching my soon to be daughter-in-law trying on beautiful gowns. Heidi and I sat, sighing and aww-ing over each new look. But one moment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the fancy mirrors. Who is that lady with the prim and proper hair? I need to stay away from mirrors. Caution Against Wig Faux Pas I feel more comfortable in scarves and hats, but I forced myself to steal the wig off Betty-Lou, the wig stand and wear it more this past week. I wore it out to lunch a couple times and I actually forgot it was on my head. But getting more relaxed can be a problem. As I sat chatting away, I caught myself a couple times, messing with it absentmindedly... tugging at it, fiddling with it. Now I have to beg my friends to alert me of bad wig behavior. I don't want to be like an old granny, so used to her false teeth that she just removes them in public. I also need friends and family to point out when my wig is lopsided or just odd. I'm the kind of person who can run out the door with 2 different shoes. If get too routine about it, I might rush out, wearing the darn thing backwards. Creative Wig-Wearing Idea I was at home the other day, doing my big work-room cleaning project, when I got hot. I was wearing my wig and I'd had all I could take of it. I was too tired to take it downstairs to Betty-Lou. I looked for a place to lay the wig carefully. But with all the sorting piles and clutter, I was in real danger of accidentally donating a wig to Goodwill. So I just loosened and lifted the darn thing to cool my head. As I worked away, I chuckled to wonder how odd I must look. I leaned towards a mirror and gave myself a good laugh, to see Kristen Wiig's, Dooneese! The nutty SNL character, who claps Lawrence Welk's champagne bubbles with her tiny hands, is my all time favorite K. Wigg character! Now all I need are a pair of those tiny hands and a pink dress and my Halloween costume will be complete!
A Visit From Heidi & Jamie, Scott & Chali Yesterday the house suddenly got quiet after a busy Labor Day weekend. I've always been sad when my kids leave and I was this time. But mostly I was blissfully exhausted and happy. A week before I'd been excited and worried about their visit. It's scary greeting your kids for the first time since chemo. Will I look sick? Will my wig look stupid? But mostly I worried that I wouldn't feel well enough to keep up with all the fun we had planned. But I felt better than I have since chemo started. Labor Day luckily came at a good time between treatments. But mostly, I think I got my energy from the kids. I got the wig debut out of the way and then I was fine. I was too busy getting excited about the first thing on our agenda, to fret over my head. On Saturday we had a girl outing. Heidi and I got to help Chali with a little wedding dress shopping! What a treat to watch Chali try on gorgeous dresses. Best of all, we got to be with her when she made the final decision! Home Time... Music and Games Besides our big outing, most of our weekend was spent at home. One night, we did some jigsaw puzzling, while some old LPs played on the turntable. Then we hit the big game closet and discovered some oldies... some favorites and some stupid ones that need to be tossed. But this group can make the worst game fun. On the last night we had 5 ukuleles playing. I wish I could say it sounded wonderful. Pool Time Lately, I've been making use of the pool for exercise, but I don't remember the last time the kids were here to enjoy it together. In memory of Labor Day pool games long ago, we had a little Splash for Cash competition. There was lots of lounging and best of all, 7 month old Lola had her first swim! Food and Drink I've been steering clear of alcohol, so my Mai Tai was mostly juice. But I did have a sip of champagne cocktail the next night when we toasted to Scott and Chali's engagement. And luckily my appetite has been good, so I didn't turn down any of our BBQ feasts! Scarves! The other day I discovered a collection of scarves that I once used in movement classes with children. The colorful scarves will eventually make it to Goodwill, but I decided I'd wash all 30 and wear a few. On our last night, we had a "contest" to see who could dress most creatively with scarves. These photos don't come close to capturing the craziest, but I have to be fair to my family when posting. Don and I are wearing sunglasses to conceal our identities. Relaxing All 3 evenings involved lots of silly games. No photos or films to capture the funniest, which involved lots of debate, theatrics or singing. We found some good ways to wind down on 2 evenings. Heidi brought Sephora face masks for one night. It would be just too scary to share photos of our group, lounging with our eerie, yet heavenly spa masks. The last night we soaked our feet in tubs with lavender products. Even Lola became calm with the relaxing scents. Not Happy List? So this is a lot of happy talk for a Not So Happy blog. But seeing the empty pool and house is kind of sad. And I guess I'm tired. But I wasn't overworked. Everyone pitched in with cooking and cleaning up. I guess I'm tired from having fun! I sure can't complain about that.
100 days ago when I was first diagnosed. I never would have guessed I could enjoy a celebration like this in the middle of chemo! I think that's worth sharing. Molly I miss Molly. Her soft ears were like a security blanket! Having a loyal animal to lounge with all these months would be such a treat. But Don and I didn't get another pet when Molly died. We started traveling a lot and it didn't make sense. But I do have Duke right next door. Linda brought him over a while back and I need to get in a little more Duke time. But tonight, I do have a furry friend coming! Lola is on her way with Scott and Chali from New Orleans. Can't wait to have a some snuggle time with this little rascal... if she's not too busy! She's not usually as calm as these photos.
Good Mood Energy I was in the best mood with good energy, because the kids are coming for Labor Day. All 4! Heidi & Jamie and Scott & Chali! With their crazy school and work schedules and living in Austin and New Orleans, we've only had all 6 of us together one time, in 2 years. So I was in good spirits and I was doing too much. Besides getting the house ready, I was trying to finish my project, reorganizing my workroom. My sister called when I was taking a break. She laughed, because she knows my technique. It's a bad one. I pull it all out. Every closet every drawer. Teaching supplies and art materials and props that go back over 30 years. Things were flying to trash, recycling and Goodwill piles. But I was feeling good and my nurse called and said my blood count had shot up. I was in good shape. Phone Call Then my phone rang, again. Actually it wasn't this black phone. That's just one of the many props I tripped over trying to get through the mess to my cell. I missed the call, but my hairdresser left a text. "Hi, Beth. Just wanting to know if you needed your hair done. I have an opening next week." It hit a nerve. 3 months ago, I was sort of frantic when I called G. "Is there anyway you could squeeze me in tomorrow?" She'd done my hair for 15 years, so I felt comfortable telling her I just found out I was having a surgery and I wasn't sure what was happening after that. The next day I headed in for my appointment. I hoped G. wouldn't get too emotional. I knew there would be a big hug waiting and some consoling. But when I walked in, she beamed. "Hey what's up!" I stared blankly. "What's wrong?" She asked as if I'd insulted her. "I have cancer, G." I felt annoyed having to remind her.
So I guess G's text was just reminder that I (and my cancer) am not on the forefront of everyone's mind. I get that. I'm guilty of forgetting important happenings in the lives of others. But it still made me mad. I texted back a quick answer. "Nope. I don't have hair." Yes, that was a mean way to remind her. But I was worn out from taking on too much. My giddy mood was zapped along with my energy. I started fretting over seeing the kids for the first time, since losing hair. What should I put on my head to soften my greeting? The wig is still a jolt... think. And then I remembered, everyone's coming to have fun, not to see me bald. We're going to be playing games and barbecuing and playing ukuleles and making tiki drinks and swimming! I can use my awesome, retro bathing cap! Plus, I still have lashes and brows, I'm not that different. I can't wait! Makeup Needed I don't ordinarily wear much makeup, but when I wear none, I look sort of ill. So I guess that means more make up now. I've been warned about the yellowing of skin tones... "Your bronzer will be your new best friend." I'm going to try to get some tips on using special products, for when I lose lashes and brows. That's actually scarier than losing my head hair... because I can't hide my face under a wig. 2 Problems So I put in some practice time, when I knew I could handle the humiliation. Luckily I could see the humor happening in my bathroom, or it would have been incredibly depressing. I pulled out the special brow kit and the good eyeliner that I was told to buy. I was quickly reminded of 2 issues. First, I have horrible eyelids and second, I can't see. If only I'd known I was going to be dealing with cancer this time last year, I could have gotten tattoo eyeliner! Even in high school productions the "makeup team" didn't want to do my makeup because of my tricky eyes. And now with aging eyes, there are so many more layers of lid! Even with the magni-mirror, I couldn't focus without my reading glasses. I attempted to draw a line on my upper lid and the result was comical. It looked almost as goofy as the crooked Joan Crawford brows I created using the stencil, wax and powder. I even tried to take a selfie with my eyes closed, so I could study where I'd gone wrong. Sorry, those photos have been deleted. Clown Makeup? I think I'd feel more comfortable putting on clown makeup. With my new head, I could really look the part. I've been thinking about my friend, Jenny. We were birthday party clowns when we were teens. Maybe I could revisit that short career. Then I thought about a clown my family spotted a few years ago. He was casually applying his makeup on a park bench. He wasn't young, yet he didn't seem to strain to see what he was doing. One More Solution Today I spent time cleaning out loads of old teaching supplies, props and costumes. I ran across these paper masks that Don and I posed with, 30 years ago. Maybe I'll hold onto these, just in case.
Hair Clippings I tried to find a use for my hair clippings. I thought about giving my hair to some animals for nesting. But that seemed cruel to let a hamster make a nest with my chemo hair. The internet said hair clippings are good for the garden... mulch. That seemed a little gross. I guess I'm glad that there are no oil spills in the area, but my hair could have been helpful. Evidently it's good for sopping up spilled oil. So I put my hair in a decorated bag and stapled it shut and tossed it in the trash. It may seem odd that I kept that hair for over a week. (Actually I forgot about it) But it sure made for a no-big-deal-good-bye-hair-event. It's a good reminder that it takes time to be comfortable with things. Or without certain things...
I've been "staying in" like a good patient for a week. I'm slowly getting my work room organized. This is a huge task and I'm taking long breaks. I need to get some bins to organize the stuff that I am keeping. I'm craving a trip to Target.
A while ago, I got a call from the person who oversees me, in the "study" that I'm involved in. She got results from yesterday's blood work and my white blood count is very low. That's no surprise since that was expected on Day 7. But she wants to have the nurse come by the house to draw blood tomorrow. That's no fair, since tomorrow was supposed to be free. She advised me against Target trips. Okay, Target can wait. I do like knowing that someone is keeping an eye on my health. Being in a medical drug study, I have to have blood drawn after each chemo. That's fine if you have a nurse named Augusta, who greets with smiles and hugs and and distracting chatter. After Round 1, Augusta came to my house 12 days in a row.
Today I had a different nurse. That's okay, because Augusta warned me that she couldn't be there. But my new nurse seemed... well, new. Of course she was a trained nurse, but I had to show her which table we use and where the sink was and where the box is that holds the materials needed for the study. I had to introduce her to my veins and she did not compliment them, like other nurses. She studied my veins way too long and that got me worried. And she didn't say "Okay, take a deep breath..." like Augusta does. Of course I can do that without prompting, so I did. And I also said, "Ouch!" I have never said "Ouch" to Augusta. It was the first time it actually hurt and I felt like a little kid, which made me feel so very sad for all the young kids who are dealing with cancer and needles and procedures and hurting. And that thought makes me feel sad for the parents of those young children... But, at least I don't have to do the 12 day thing. Only 4 visits after each treatment now. I really can be a big girl about this. Clearing Clutter I need to feel useful, so I've been using my "energy days" to clear stuff out. It's not easy, because I'm a hoarder with a purpose. I have a lot of junk, but I use it. In my work with Senior folks and kids, I use tons of theme related props. It's the silly stuff that I cart to my groups, that helps me motivate and inspire. I'm not sure I could encourage the same amount of laughter and discussion in my groups, without my junk. Hats So, how do I thin out my hat collection, when there are hats I might actually use for myself, now? In this photo, there's a super-silly patchwork hat (near the Russian fur hat) that I'm wearing right now. Scarves I went through a number of boxes and pulled out my collection of chiffon scarves, that I use to get kids dancing, when I add a little music. Some have acquired holes, so I tossed the bad ones. That didn't exactly free up tons of closet space. Silk Scarves! Then I ran across the motherlode of retro silk scarves. I've collected these over the years from my mother-in-law's basement to Goodwill. I use them for creative movement, too. But the kids like the "see-thru" chiffon better and they tend to fight over these. I started to put all 30 in the Goodwill pile. Wait! I looked through the whole collection and they were all keepers! I washed them in the washing machine and they all survived. I wore this paisley one right on my head and if felt pretty darn comfy. It even felt like I had some silky hair on my neck. For my photo op, I put on my half wig, with bangs this time. I am spending a ridiculous amount of time messing with my appearance.
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Not-So-Happy List
Cancer, Covid & Coronary... I started this complaining list/blog, in May 2016. I posted 200 gripes about my breast CANCER and then I was done. On March 13, 2020, I started venting all over again, when another disease (starting with a C) interfered with my life. This time it was the invasion of COVID and it affected every person. I ranted for a year, until I got my COVID vaccine in March 2021. CORONARY Artery Disease was the reason I restarted this blog on September 26, 2021. This time it was my hubby Don, who was dealing with a worry that started with the letter "C". Coronavirus and Cancer, Coronary Artery Disease! All are evil, but none can totally get me down... if I vent! I usually end up feeling a little more positive at the end of each post! Navigating This Mess! The most recent post is at the top, from coronary posts in 2022, back to cancer posts in 2016. To find past posts, look below the "Archives" section, to find "Categories". Archives
January 2022
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