#87 - Don't Like Feeling Distant

 
​Detached

​Even though I'm not trapped in my house and I do communicate in numerous ways with friends and family, I feel sort of detached. Why does it feel different than a year ago? This time last fall, Don and I were traveling for 4 weeks. We were more cut off from "home" then, than I am now... but I hardly noticed.

​In the past few years, I've felt twinges of guilt when I've been in and out of town, too much. Book Club generously worked around my schedule. My neighbors were incredibly patient keeping an eye on our empty house.  And when I was home, I was tied up with Senior Programs and playing catch up.
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​Now, I'm suddenly at home and where is everybody?  Well, now I get it.  My world has slowed down, but the lives of my local friends remain the same. Many of them travel, some are still busy with kids, some work and juggle many roles. I was too busy to realize all that my friends did.  And that's probably why I'm drawn to them.

Reconnecting
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Actually the distance has been just about right. I wouldn't want to be bombarded daily with questions and pep talks.  I'm a person who enjoys alone time and since chemo I've needed that. But being more anchored to my home for a while has in some ways helped me connect and reconnect with a few folks... and dogs.  

This stupid thing called cancer has gotten in my way, but it has forced me to give in and accept more.  I've learned to be okay with help and I appreciate every bit of kindness that has come my way.  Sometimes it's just a surprise email or text.   "I'm at the store. Need anything?"  Or an email with a photo or joke.  

And there have been gentle, no pressure offers to stop by or meet up.  I'm sort of a cozy hermit, so I have to push myself a bit.  Having someone "stop by" is almost novel.  There's something pleasant and almost retro about it.  I had to convince myself at first that I didn't have to play host or clean up or prepare for that.  I'm learning. 
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So, it's a nice balance right now. I don't have the energy for lots of socializing, but I know interaction usually boosts me! I'll try hard to remember in the future when suddenly someone I know, must slow down with an illness or a problem. It takes so little to connect these days.  I'm going to be better.
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