#117 - Don't Like My Outfit

My Uniform

This is how I look when I come out of the dressing room, ready for radiation. I've done this 10 times now, so I'm a pro.  

I greet my fellow patients and take one of the few chairs to wait my turn. We've already seen each other in the big waiting room, where we look different in our street clothes... where some chat with their friends or family members and a few hide under wigs and others keep busy with magazines or cell phones. But once we're back in the wait area beside the radiation room, we suddenly have more in common. We all have some kind of cancer and we're all stylin' in our gowns!

Since Day One
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​On day 1, I felt ridiculously vulnerable in my gown with strangers. I was seated with a couple men at first. Even though I got to wear my jeans and socks, I secured my gown carefully behind my neck. No one was talking, so I stared at the big heavy door. I watched the "Beam On" light, announcing just how long and how often the patient behind the door was getting radiated.  

The man seated next to me was called in.  I watched him head towards the door   casually reaching back to hold his untied gown closed. I cringed and looked away, since he didn't get to keep his jeans on. While he was treated, I sat quietly wondering about the others, guessing what they were being treated for, by what they wore under their gowns. Awful, I know. But my brain was swirling. I was sad to see one woman head in for radiation, wearing her clothes. Did that mean her treatment was for  brain cancer?    

No More Silence
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I learned that first day, to take advantage of the fact we are all sitting in our gowns.   Silence is eerie when you're sitting next to someone you're oddly bonded to. I realized I only have 6.5 weeks total to learn all I can from those around me. If I'm going to sit in a gown with my elbow practically touching a stranger, I might as well speak. We don't have to talk cancer. We can talk about the drunk looking turkey on the door, or how chilly the room feels, or our stupid gowns. 

Talking

Since that first day, I've not allowed myself the luxury of escaping with my technology. I greet and make a comment or ask one question. If the person near me needs to be left alone, I take the hint.  But almost always, we talk and I know I always feel better.