#166 - Don't Like Word Survivor

June 3, 2017 - Today is the Day

I didn't know there was such a day, but today is it. I don't love that survivor term, so I don't have much desire to celebrate it.  But my friend, Terri enlightened me. We met up for an event on Friday.

Healing Through Art

Friday morning Terri texted, "Want to check this out?" I thought she was kidding, since we both share the same reluctance about flaunting our Cancer Survivor status.

But I looked again and liked the theme of the event. Terri's an artist and we both have our own programs that help others through the arts.  Why not?  

Meeting at the Hosptial

A few hours later, Terri greeted me in the hospital lobby with a hug. I was tempted to "skip school" and drag her off to have a 3 hour lunch instead. But we bravely moved towards the exuberant staff, dressed in pink. A few giggled and did can-can kicks as we walked by. We were handed name tags and given free goodie bags, before moving into the conference room.

We slapped on our name tags and Terri turned to greet me, with only a hint of smile. "Hi, my name is Survivor."  We sat at a round table and introduced ourselves to 2 others, before using our gift pens to write our real names.

Getting Serious

The tables filled as a slideshow of photos and affirmations, played on 2 screens. Below one of the screens, a young man played some "welcoming music" on a keyboard. It sounded like we were gearing up for a church service. A while later, the young man's smooth voice began to sing, a hymn like piece, about Jesus guiding us with our disease... or something of that sort. Suddenly, I really felt like I was in church and I was 13, trying to keep from looking at my friend, to avoid giggles. This is serious.  I reminded myself.

I sobered myself by studying the table decoration. A paint can with flowers and paint brushes. That was cute.

Speakers, Food and Lots of Celebration

A number of different people spoke, encouraging cheers and applause for cancer survival. Special guest, Miss Houston 2015, painted a tree with leaves and "ribbons", as music played.

At one point, the Cancer Survivors were asked to stand. I wish I could have whooped and fist bumped Terri, but I was feeling like a moody teen. I didn't roll my eyes like a teen, but I did eye the standing group of about 30. And I pondered.  

Was this emotionally hard for some? Embarrassing? No one looked ill or new to cancer. Where were the people with chemo curls, like mine? Am I not really a survivor yet? It's only been a year since diagnosis. But we were told, you are a survivor the day you're diagnosed. Whatever. This survivor label is odd and I don't quite want to be in this club.

Art?

As we moved into our second hour, I hoped to hear more about healing through art restoration therapy. I'm no longer so focused on my own healing, but would love to help others. Terri and I have both been open to this and had hoped to leave with some ideas. Instead, we left with Cancer Coloring Books. I'm afraid that didn't thrill me. ​Maybe this is just bad timing, but it's now been a year since my world began revolving around cancer. Unless I'm helping others, I'm ready to not think about it! Coloring the words Cancer and Hope doesn't sound healing or appealing to me.

Am I a Cancer Snob?  I sound like it.  But really, I'm just uncomfortable. The term survivor sounds like I've fought a huge battle and survived. My battle was small compared to most. Yes, I'm worthy to be in the club with those who fought harder than me. But the survivor group is a huge one that I'm supposed to feel bonded with. I've always had a hard time cheering with a group of people I don't know well. Whether it's in a church or a concert arena, I feel silly throwing my hands up along with the crowds. I just don't know if I'm comfortable in this Club of Survivors.

Just Us

After the 2-hour program we were invited to take Survivor photos with the frame. They also wanted a group photo of all the survivors.  Terri and I were close to sneaking out the door. It felt like we were the bad Girl Scouts... too cool for school. But we headed over and stood up tall and smiled through the big white frame. I'm glad to have a picture of me with my buddy, who paved the way in this breast cancer thing. We clicked years ago, before cancer. We connected through art programs and now we connect even more because of our common experience.    

Before rushing out, Terri and I did join in with the group photo. We left, chuckling and shaking our heads. Our meet up with other Cancer Survivors shouldn't have been a hard thing to process.  But we both drove home through rain, feeling a little confused. I got a text later saying, "I think we're just closet survivors."  I think we are.  I'm not sure how much of my reluctance is with the word survivor and how much is about being labeled anything at all. But we're planning to work on this together.  We'll see if these Closet Survivors come out.