Entertaining Myself Even as a kid I was comfortable entertaining myself with my own silly projects and activities. I still like my alone time, going from one project to the next. I'm more introvert than extrovert, even if I throw a lot of personal stuff out there, in the blog world. So I am a perfect candidate for being a hermit, for the next few bald months. I am not feeling a bit comfortable with my wig or any of my head coverings, to face the world! So I was honest when we got a dinner invite, for my second day of bald. "I'm not brave enough, yet..." I answered. But CJ gently reminded me that their family had no worries about my hair and it was just dinner at the house... So I said yes. I tried not to fret over what to put on my head. I ended up wearing my half wig and a hat. And of course the kids didn't care. They were mostly excited about me bringing "Little Bear". Little Bear got rides in the Barbie car and the remote control cars! And Don and I had a wonderful break with some great grilled burgers and adult conversation as well! Mostly I got some kid hugs! I've been missing the kids I volunteer with and my relative kiddos who live far away.
This little trio gave both Don and me a good dose of hugs to last us last us a while! I can't thank their parents enough! Chemo 2 starts tomorrow and this was the boost I needed to get me out there!
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My first hairless day (Saturday) started off pretty well. My swim lifted my spirits and it was a treat to shower and deal with no shampoo or blowdrying. But, the time I saved there, was lost as I pondered over all my head options. I wore an orange bandana for an hour, a pretty flowered "cap" for another hour, my "flapper hat" for a while, my half-wig with a tennis hat and finally my wig. Check out that expression! My smile looks like an infant's "smile" when suffering from gas. There is no way I can wear this out of my house until I get it thinned and I don't have an appointment for a week. It looks goofy. I know it's not bad. I bought it. But it's not me, yet. I texted a photo to Heidi and we laughed about my wig being "Texas Chic". I told Heidi that luckily I have a stylist who specializes in wig trimming. Then we both laughed and I winced, when we realized I haven't met my stylist. She may just adore my wig and rave about the volume and tell me that no improvements are needed. So now I have to worry for a week. Grumpy By evening I was very grumpy. I was spooked by seeing my eerie bald image in the mirror. I didn't like anything on my head, either. I decided I just wouldn't leave my house or socialize... ever. Except I have chemo on Tuesday and a shot appointment on Wednesday. Dang. I'm going to be one of those people in the waiting room that I've secretly eyed... in their awkward wigs and hats. Then I got a text at 6 pm, from the mom of these adorable kids. She wanted to know if Don and I would be up for dinner on Sunday? I wrote back that I wasn't brave enough to face the world... She said we could do dinner at the house and no hair was required. (Yikes, I was planning on playing hermit for a while.) But, I said yes after she sent me a photo of her family. (not this one) I realized, if I have to make my debut in the world (wearing I'm not sure what?) then what better way to do it. I'm ready for some hugs from these kids!
Good-bye Hair I've been dreading the bald thing, since Dr. P said my kind of chemo meant total hair loss. I wouldn't mind losing my hair so much, if I had young and flawless skin. But, I'm also glad I didn't have to go through this when I was young. I've had a lot of years to help me understand how little my hair really matters. Plus, I have Don! He knows all about being bald and I've never heard him complain. He also knows how to make things fun. He couldn't find a barber's bow tie, so he put on a bandana. ?? We set up the bathroom like a spa, with needed products and tools and some beverages! My wine was my first since chemo and I sort of needed it. Days before, I searched the internet for clever ideas of how to make getting rid of hair, fun. I was surprised at how little I found. My daughter, Heidi texted me a photo of a pineapple hairdo that she challenged her dad to attempt. My son, Scott sent a video of a barber who gave his young son an "old bald man haircut". My friend Martha sent some lovely images of bald women to inspire me. Family and friends are more creative than the internet. So we set up shop at about 5:30. I tossed down a few colorful scarves to wrap my head quickly if the bald look freaked me out. But I didn't know this was going to be such a long process and that I would have plenty of time to adjust to my head by the time it appeared! We kept in touch with Heidi by phone, so she could add her suggestions along the way. Don had a whole list of hairdos he wanted to attempt (with our ancient trimming scissors) He started by chopping my bangs to look, like singer, Sia... a dark haired version. Don seemed to be having so much fun as he snipped and muttered, that I could hardly fret. "Hmm, this may not be one of my better creations..." I mean, how often do you get the chance to not worry if someone flubs on your haircut? Don got pretty excited about giving me some crooked styles. Then he buzzed one side and slicked over the top. This was his "little boy" haircut. I felt like Peter Pan and I tried to belt out "I've got to crow..." but I couldn't remember the words. These photos are pretty scary, but for some reason I never had the meltdown I expected. It was fun. After cropping to a G.I. Jane cut, we slathered on some good old shaving cream and used a razor. But, before going totally bald, Don made sure we at least got to sport twin haircuts for a while. We have photos, but you'll have to ask to see those! All Gone While Don was shaving my head, Scott called. He and his fiance had made it halfway from DC to New Orleans. Suddenly I was texting them photos. It felt so good to have the support of my kids from afar, cheering and laughing along with us. "Are you sure you want to see this one?" I warned a few times. So I went to bed feeling relieved. The haircutting day is behind me. I woke in the morning and felt my head. I can't lie. It felt weird and I was prepared to have a glum day. But the sun was out after days of rain. I went out and swam with my bare head. I let the sun shine on it for a short while, as I relaxed and pondered. I still hate being bald. But it's only for a while.
Miss Running Actually I do like walking, but I've missed running the little route I've taken for 19 years. As I've eased back into exercise, I've tried walking the route and it's not the same. I feel restless and I know my brain doesn't kick in the same way It does when I trudge along, at my ridiculously slow running pace. So I ran for the first time this morning. I woke up feeling rested and I knew I needed to get out and try. Not only would I relieve stress and burn calories, I hoped my clearest thinking would kick in. In the past I've used my little 2.5 mile run, to plan my day, or make up a stupid song, or solve a problem. Today, I needed to plan my strategy for attacking my hair. My slow run actually felt pretty good. I did some good thinking... and I saw the sun rise in one direction and the full moon in the other! I got back to the house and gulped a glass of water with my feet in the pool. I felt pretty darn proud of myself and my brain was making up for lost time... going off on wild tangents. "What should I do with all my hair? No, a pillow would be gross. Maybe a bird or hamster would like it for nesting? Is chemo hair bad for animals? Should I put it in a little gift bag labeled R.I.P., before tossing?" After I cooled down and my brain stopped being silly, I showered. Throwing away a nest-sized blob of hair made me happy with my decision. By evening I will more than ready for my hair shaving event!
My brush stole my hair today. I know, this photo is a little TMI, but this isn't Facebook. No one is forced to see this. But I just want to remember what it looked like... the first time I brushed my hair after a shower and saw this. But, I'm okay. I expected this a week ago. It's been sort of worrisome, waiting for the signs, that I've been warned about. So now I need to plan what I'm going to do about it. How do I take control and approach the hair good-bye? Don is game to take whatever route I want. We are going to try to make it fun... somehow. But we are also fully prepared to be jolted by the emotion of it. Mostly, I'm ready for this "Good-Bye hair experience", to be behind me!
Fixing the Face It's amazing how looking at a glum face, can be catching. Especially if you go out of your way to smile at someone and they look back blankly. So that's why my wig-stand-friend, with her white Styrofoam face, needed to have a new look. I also desperately needed to do something a little festive, the day before I planned to get rid of my hair. Last Week Last week I posted this as my Facebook profile pic. I knew my wig holding friend needed some serious help. She looked depressed. Margit to the Rescue Yesterday, Margit offered to come over. She arrived with her paints and brushes! Mixing Paints First Margit had to mix some paint colors to boost the skin tone of my Styrofoam friend. It was soothing just watching the colors swirl together. I need to get out some paints in these months ahead! Special Jobs Margit and I each did one green eye, but like a Kindergartner I begged, "Can you fix mine?" Margit also repaired my lip attempts and she added some shading and line work. I added the false eyelashes and I did a very good job drying the paint. (I'm really excited that I won't be needing my hair dryer for a very long time.) Voila! Betty Lou looked complete, once we added some bling. She may not have a smile as large as ours, but she's rockin' the wig. That's too bad, because we will be fighting over it soon.
Nuelasta In the past 14 days, I've had blood drawn in the same arm, 14 times. I'm smiling today, because my arm is getting to rest for a week. This morning, I got to take my time knowing my doorbell would not ring at 9 am. My nurse doesn't need for me to be showered and chatty. But having her on the calendar has given me a schedule and a reason to get up. I get up, do some kind of excessive, shower, eat and drink and answer the door. Being in this study for the drug Nuelasta has given me a "job". Yep. I have chores. I have to take my temp twice daily and give some blood. Does that make me feel important? No. But it gets my drug paid for, when insurance won't. ($25,000 or more for my 4 shots) And it does give me some bonus attention, since my lab work is being carefully reviewed. I'm good with that. Augusta And I get "attention" from Augusta, too! She is delightful. We talk about our kids and the president and rain and wigs. She is a wig owner too, but that's her own beautiful braided hair! She's holding Ms. Donkey, my little wooden mascot... which is very silly, but she gets my humor. One other perk about having home visits, is the silly thought of a nosy neighbor watching. I secretly hope there's a "Mrs. Kravitz" who is coming up with some outrageous story about why a woman rings my bell each day. And I'm sure Mrs. K's imagination goes wild when she sees the man in the white truck, waiting on Sunday mornings for Augusta to hand over the brown box. Actually the box just holds the blood work that gets shipped to the lab. Augusta has to use a courier to ship on Sundays. Wow, that does make me feel important! Suspicious House But anyway, it makes me laugh to think my house could look suspicious. After all it was in August, 4 years ago, when the SWAT team arrived next door. There was a huge drug bust. We had no idea that the renters next door didn't sleep there. They just came to tend to the plants.. in the middle of the night... We were living next door to a grow house and had no idea! So, I doubt I have any nosy neighbors and there will be nothing to watch for a over a week. Maybe I should come up with something entertaining, just in case someone's watching!
When I'm Vulnerable... I've already mentioned a few things before. I can't believe I'm not allowed to eat sushi for over 12 weeks. But at least lots of the restrictions are for when my white blood count is really low. And it's a good thing I'm in this medical study, because I've had my blood drawn daily since chemo and I know when that low period is for me. When I last met with Dr. P, he knew my white blood cell count "tanked" on the 6th day after chemo. So I know when I am most vulnerable for infection. And luckily I am taking an injection of Nuelasta after every chemo treatment. So that is why my white blood cells shot up from 240 to 3,500 after Sunday. Way above normal. I'm trying to stay away from Googling too much info. But I wanted to see what else I should not be doing during that "tanking" period after my next round. Dr. P says, "No kissing sick babies" and no "eating unpeeled, raw fruits and veggies" But I needed more info. So here is what I shouldn't do: No Touching Reptiles! Darn. Brazos Bend Park is such a lovely outing just 45 minutes away. I guess I can take pictures, but I should not attempt to ride the gators! No Spelunking! Another darn. Cave exploring is pretty much what I've been in the mood for. I guess I also shouldn't visit Congress Bridge in Austin, at dusk when the bats make their nightly exit. It's all about the guano.
And here's what I CAN do! It's okay to clean the toilet, if I wear gloves! There are a lot of things I would love to be told NOT to do and house cleaning was not included. That is why I stay away from the internet! Positive Connections We all know Facebook can be annoying. I've prided myself on being one of those who can enjoy the positive connections and ignore the stupid stuff. But lately, I've caught myself being a Facebook Whiner. Messenger! Sometimes it's annoying that the new "Messenger" deal on FB alerts me to private messages. I don't need that, do I? But I was feeling blah the other day and happy to be notified that my friend Karen, had sent me a cute video to cheer me. Yay! I clicked to view the video and suddenly heard a phone ringing. What? Am I calling or face-timing Karen? What did I do? How do I halt this thing? I haven't even combed my hair, am I going to be face to face with my old college friend? Suddenly I heard her voice. We laughed over my tech ignorance. We chatted briefly and I still haven't figured out how to avoid this in the future! Facebook Postings It's August and there are a lot of vacation photos out there on FB. Actually I would much rather see people's vacation pics than political rants, so that's good. But when I was feeling a little yucky, it was annoying to see pictures of people smiling on beaches and waving on mountains. And then I remembered. "Beth, you have posted only a zillion vacation photos on FB." And every time I've posted a happy or exciting photo, I have not stopped to ponder. "Gee, I hope my photo doesn't cause any of my FB friends who might be grieving, ailing or suffering, to feel frustrated." That would be called OVER-THINKING-FACEBOOK. So, I'm going to let those vacay pics I see on FB entertain me! And I'm going to love the silly animal videos, because they always do. And if I find myself getting close to "O-T-F", then I need to read a book! When Will It Go? So my hair is supposed to fall out pretty soon. They said it would start 10-14 days after chemo starts. It just sort of hit me the other day, when a friend asked about getting together over the weekend. I wasn't sure why I felt hesitant. I then realized it was the hair thing that was hanging over me. I decided to keep my weekend open, in case it starts falling out and I need to deal with some hair drama. It felt odd to suddenly realize the next time I see my doctor or my book club or my neighbors or my kids... my hair might be gone. It sort of put me on edge, so I needed some control. I texted my book club and said I'd be hanging around on Tuesday morning if anyone wanted coffee. And that's all I did. I made a pot and people helped themselves... and some surprise muffins arrived. Usually our book club meets at night and we drink wine, not coffee and water. But we laughed as hard as we do at our night gatherings. And we took the photo to send to our book club friends who are out of town, or have moved away. I showed off my wig, (not in photo) but mostly we talked about other things. And that was the best part.
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Not-So-Happy List
Cancer, Covid & Coronary... I started this complaining list/blog, in May 2016. I posted 200 gripes about my breast CANCER and then I was done. On March 13, 2020, I started venting all over again, when another disease (starting with a C) interfered with my life. This time it was the invasion of COVID and it affected every person. I ranted for a year, until I got my COVID vaccine in March 2021. CORONARY Artery Disease was the reason I restarted this blog on September 26, 2021. This time it was my hubby Don, who was dealing with a worry that started with the letter "C". Coronavirus and Cancer, Coronary Artery Disease! All are evil, but none can totally get me down... if I vent! I usually end up feeling a little more positive at the end of each post! Navigating This Mess! The most recent post is at the top, from coronary posts in 2022, back to cancer posts in 2016. To find past posts, look below the "Archives" section, to find "Categories". Archives
January 2022
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