I've reacted horribly to Codeine in the past, so I'm a little afraid of pain meds. I'd rather hurt a bit than deal with freaky dreams/hallucinations. So when we got home from surgery, I mostly let Heidi and Don ease my pain with their great pampering! I felt good enough to briefly uke it up with Don. Actually, I had planned on some pre-op strumming before surgery. I figured a gentle "Amazing Grace" followed by "Dueling Banjos" would give me just what I needed to make it through the day. But I ran out of time in the morning. We were off by 8 and our "concert" waited until evening. I'm so jealous of that post-op girl in the photo... showing no signs of pain. I guess that girl was enjoying a little of her lingering anesthesia. It's been a few days and I've been a little too sore for uke playing since.
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I've never been a fan of big clubs and groups. I enjoy a small group or friends one-on-one... especially now. Today, I tried to join a chat group of women dealing with cancer. It totally stressed me out to see comments and questions and thoughtful remarks lighting up on my phone. Group texts from family and friends can even overwhelm me, now. I usually love it when my siblings get caught up with a texting thread, sharing photos and jokes. But I'm stuck on the couch, with nothing interesting to add. Photos of my scars? No.
But I know these grumpy thoughts will pass. Just give me a day and I'll be craving those wonderful texts, full of news and silliness. And the support groups... I know how important it will be for me to share and learn from others. Just let me gripe today. Yesterday I was at the hospital from 9 to 6 having my lumpectomy. I'm not complaining about that. I was actually in great spirits to get it done! But for a brief while I had to sit in the waiting room, where women dressed in pink gown tops were awaiting mammograms. I was in a long purple gown... not in the same club. For 20 minutes I listened to these 7 women fret and stew over having to do their mammograms. "What if I need an ultra sound?" and "This is so scary, I've been called back twice." and "I hate mammograms!" These ladies were not including me, but that's okay, I had my mascot in my hand. My donkey is helping me kick this cancer, I didn't need their support.
Then suddenly a wheelchair arrived for me. The room was tiny, so I politely pardoned my way through the lady legs, "Excuse me please. I'm going to go have my breast surgery now." Maybe it was the purple of my gown that made me feel royally rude, like I was the lucky one. But it some how satisfied me to have these ladies jolted by my odd remark. It's not in my character to be pushy. But the squeaky wheel is the only way sometimes. I knew the doctor's office had my MRI results and I had to call 3 times to make sure I wasn't pushed off to the "call tomorrow" list. But, I got good news about the MRI (with no surprises) and I got scheduled for a lumpectomy in 2 days! And this little carved donkey amused me as she sat on a nearby desk as I made calls. I think she will be mascot for this thing! She may look a little sad, but she's really just stubborn and calm!
I'm like a 1950's teen waiting by the phone. But I'm not waiting for my date to call, I'm waiting on news of my surgery date. So I'm picking up all calls... and reminding myself why I usually let the machine answer.
I just got a call for Elizabeth, saying they were sending my diabetic packet... or something. I was confused by what I now realize was a clever tactic for finding interested clients. "Well, have a good day." She finally said, "I'm glad you're not diabetic." The other day I answered a wrong number. Before I could explain that she'd reached a residence, not a school, I heard the phone click. I should have been the one hanging up! I was already on edge, so suddenly I was furious. But! It's a modern day with caller ID, so I dialed the rude caller back. I of course reached voicemail. I smiled like the Grinch, then decided to leave her a long rambling message about our accidental disconnection and the Houston floods and how are the kids and a final, "God Bless!" at the end. I hope she was totally confused by that. When Dr. M said it would be 9 months to a year before I would be through with this, I gulped. I'm used to speeding through things. I'm quick. I find short cuts. How could I possibly hang around for a year, when Don and I are on the road about half the days of every month? But, we made use of another waiting weekend. MRI results wouldn't be in till Monday, so why not take a road trip?
We headed to the historic Hotel Settles in Big Spring, TX. We were supposed to be there a week later, coming back from Colorado. Our 1-night road trip suddenly seemed every bit as exciting as a 3-week trip! I have been waiting 2 weeks to have enough information so that I can stop keeping this stupid secret. I told family right away and then close friends and today I did the Facebook thing. That seemed so lame, but I needed to just have people know and be done with it. It was a huge relief to have the secret out.
Later that night I looked on FB and I wondered, "Why put yourself out there for more torture, Beth?" My status of cancer got me about 38 likes and someone else's birthday flowers got over 100? But, then I realized... no one wants to like my cancer. And then I started to read. The comments were not repeated, greeting card responses. They were sweet and funny and touching and thoughtful. Each note had the personality of the sender. There were messages from people I don't know at all well, but they were kind and genuine. How did people do this cancer thing in times before texts and emails and yes, even Facebook? My hair has been looking horrible! For 2 weeks I've kept my calendar clear, hoping I would have surgery right away. And now I wonder why bother with a salon appointment if I might be saying good-bye to my hair?
But, I did it! Today was the first day that I didn't need to be near a phone. I had my hair cut and got rid of a few gray hairs as well! I was as giddy as Lucille Ball buying a new hat. (which I guess I could have just done) I feel like a new person. Yay! I like to keep moving. I'm not even good at lingering in relaxed settings, like a spa. So when I learned my MRI would be 45 minutes, I tried not to panic. On my stomach, arms over head... squeeze bulb in hand if I needed help. How is this possible?
But I made it though! The medley of jolting sounds almost amused me. The machine gun sounds put me in the scene of a movie. I tried to make up a song to the techno beat that intruded for a while. The rumbling rhythm reminded me of those stupid "Magic Fingers" that vibrated motel beds in the 1960's... and it soothed just about as poorly. Best of all, I kept from squeezing the bulb. I didn't want to risk having to start over! I really hate being the LAST to be called in the waiting room. But that's what happens when your appointments are squeezed in. So I waited and met my breast surgeon... ...and he was wonderful. Don and I both felt very comfortable. I was pretty thrilled when I learned for the first time it's not stage 4, but a quite treatable stage 2!
And my doctor has Catahoula eyes, just like little Lola! (Scott & Chali's pup) Actually I just wanted to post this photo because it's cute. My doctor is not as cute as this puppy! This photo makes me wish I had a pet. Cancer is probably easier when you have pets. |
Not-So-Happy List
Cancer, Covid & Coronary... I started this complaining list/blog, in May 2016. I posted 200 gripes about my breast CANCER and then I was done. On March 13, 2020, I started venting all over again, when another disease (starting with a C) interfered with my life. This time it was the invasion of COVID and it affected every person. I ranted for a year, until I got my COVID vaccine in March 2021. CORONARY Artery Disease was the reason I restarted this blog on September 26, 2021. This time it was my hubby Don, who was dealing with a worry that started with the letter "C". Coronavirus and Cancer, Coronary Artery Disease! All are evil, but none can totally get me down... if I vent! I usually end up feeling a little more positive at the end of each post! Navigating This Mess! The most recent post is at the top, from coronary posts in 2022, back to cancer posts in 2016. To find past posts, look below the "Archives" section, to find "Categories". Archives
January 2022
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